It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
