i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
