Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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