I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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