Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
