For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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