Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
