You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
