: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
