Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
