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i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
