my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I don't think brook has ever known best
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
