Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize