What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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