You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
