just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
