One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
