After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
