Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Green mimosas i think yes
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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