I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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