Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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