We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
