Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We don't watch enough power rangers
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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