If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
