I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
