Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
