you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
