Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
