apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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