just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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