Who wears a wallet chain?!
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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