So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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