I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Randomize
