she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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