I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
3pm strippers are depressing
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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