it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize