I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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