I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Everclear isn't food dammit
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
