Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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