I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
she told me i tasted like america
this will be a night to untag.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
