You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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