dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
