as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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