I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
