i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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