Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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