oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
