i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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