spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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