drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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