Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
