if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I enjoy the company of your penis
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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