I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Randomize
