The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
