You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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