new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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