she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
