Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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