Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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