I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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