He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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