Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
