Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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