I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
